


12 Steps of Christmas

by hgiel



Category: F4 - Fandom, H.O.T., K-pop, Political RPF
Genre: Christmas, Holidays, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-20
Updated: 2011-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-27 14:14:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/296725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hgiel/pseuds/hgiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The 12 hours of an H.O.T Christmas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 12:00AM - 1:00AM

Time: 12:18 AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house  
Sub-Location: Hee Jun’s dream

A talking hamburger with arms and legs places a crown upon Hee Jun’s head.

“You are our King now.” He says.

“You’re King?” Hee Jun asked. “What do I have to do?”

“Eat me, Hee Jun.” The hamburger man says seductively, laying on his back and spreading his legs. “Eat me.”

Time: 12:21 AM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house.

Kang Ta opens his eyes as soon as his alarm turns on. He takes the face mask off and hits the lights. The over head lights creates a spot light over him on his bed.

“Good morning me.” Kang Ta sings.

Time: 12:43 AM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won slumped down in the sofa, having sat there for hours already.

“Santa has been kidnaped?!” Asked Rainbow Brite over his TV.

“Let’s save him!” Red Butler suggested.

“I’m so lonely.” Jae Won told the TV, touching himself.

Time: 1:07AM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Kang Ta propped his left leg up against the wall and began shaving it.

Time: 1:34AM  
Location: Military Base, Barracks  
Sub-Location: Woo Hyuk’s dream

2Pac takes Woo Hyuk’s hand in his. “Why do you doubt yourself as a rapper? Is it because you are asian?”

“No.”

“Gay?”

“No.”

“What then?” 2Pac urged.

“I don’t actually want to be a rapper. I want to start a jazz band.” Woo Hyuk admitted

2Pac nodded thoughtfully. “Do you want to go into outer space with me?”

Woo Hyuk nodded.

2Pac turned into a Pegasus. “Get on my back!”

Time: 1:49AM  
Location: Tony’s house

Tony dresses himself in camouflage, grabs a flash light, and heads to his car.

Time: 1:58AM

Kang Ta stands in front of a full length mirror and rubs lotion all over himself.


	2. 2:00AM-3:00AM

Time: 2:04AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house  
Sub-Location: Hee Jun’s dream

Hee Jun suddenly found himself on stage with a guitar, when he turns to the left, he sees Freddie Mercury.

“Oh my God! It’s you!” Hee Jun gasps.

“That’s right Hee Jun, I’ve come back from the dead to rock with you! Are you ready to rock?” Freddie Mercury asks.

“Yes, I so am! Then can we tongue kiss?” Hee Jun asks.

“I still have AIDS.”

“Then let’s just rock!” Hee Jun cheered.

Time: 2:19AM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won punches the numbers into the phone once again and waits.

After a few ring, the recording picks up. “HO HO HO! This is Santa! I’m on my way around the world still, so sit tight if I haven’t arrived yet. But remember, you have to be fast asleep! HO HO HO!”

“Come see me Santa, please.” Jae Won whispers into the phone.

Time: 2:28AM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Kang Ta stands on his roof, doing taichi.

Time: 3:27AM  
Location: Military Base, Barracks

Woo Hyuk wakes up suddenly to his bed shaking. It doesn’t take long until he realized the man on the top bunk over his is masturbating.

Woo Hyuk kicks the bed, warning him to stop. The man leans over the side to look at him.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I just miss my girlfriend so much. You want to see her?”

Before Woo Hyuk could say no, he was handed a photo of a rather plain looking girl.

“Nice.” He lies, then hands over a picture of Tony from under his pillow. “Here is mine.”

“She’s pretty.” The man notes. “Can I use this for a few minutes?”

Woo Hyuk sighs. “Just hurry it up.

Time: 3:41AM  
Location: Military Base gates

Tony tip toes up to the gates, then starts to tunnel under them.


	3. 4:00AM-5:00AM

Time: 4:04AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house  
Sub-Location: Hee Jun’s dream

Hee Jun stands under a water fall, flexing his muscles when the ninjas attack. The surround him at all sides and kick him in the testicles.

Hee Jun wakes up suddenly, grabbing his crotch. “Shit, I got to pee.” He mutters, getting out of bed and rushes into the bathroom to urinate.

Time: 4:22AM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won holds the phone in the crook of his neck while watching Jem’s Christmas Caper.

Suddenly, his Christmas tree falls over onto his TV, and their both burst into flames.

Time: 4:23AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house

Hee Jun stands over the toilet, still urinating.

Time: 4:53AM  
Location: Military Base, Barracks

The doors to the barracks burst open and Woo Hyuk’s platoon’s drill sargent stomps inside.

“Everyone up!” He yells. “Merry Fucking Christmas! Time for war games!”

Time: 5:11AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house

Hee Jun is still urinating.

Time: 5:25AM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Kang Ta stands on his roof with his arms outstretched, singing. Slowly, but surely, birds flock to him, joining in his song.

Time: 5:36AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house

Still urinating.

Time: 5:42AM  
Location: Military Base

Tony gets inside the grounds and finds Woo Hyuk just as he is being handed a gun.

“Here are your weapons. Team A will have red paint balls in their guns, Team B has blue. Shoot to kill! This is Christmas! Do it for Jesus!”

Tony waits in the shadows to make any move.

Time: 5:53AM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won’s fire extinguisher and tears finally get the fire out. He decides to go out and walk his depression off.

Time: 5:59AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house

Hee Jun shakes himself dry and heads back to bed.


	4. 6:00AM-7:00AM

Time: 6:06AM  
Location: Sejong Street

Jae Won walks aimlessly until someone yelling stops him.

“You there!” A man calls from over head. “Stop!”

Jae Won looks up to see a man leaning out of his window.

“Ya?” Jae Won calls back.

“I say, what day is it?”

“It’s...uh...Christmas.” Jae Won answers.

“Christmas?! Oh, goodness me.” Says the man, clutching his heart. “I’ve been given a second chance...Boy! I want you to go and buy a turkey, then bring it to a home for me. Tell them it’s from Ebenezer Kim!”

“......Kay.”

Time: 6:18AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house  
Sub-Location: Hee Jun’s dream

Hee Jun lays on his back, legs pressed up against his sides while his feet are in stirrups.

“That’s it Hee Jun, push.” Urges the doctor with his head between Hee Jun’s thighs. “It’s crowning!”

The nurse bends down to help the doctor catch the ‘baby’ and hands it to Hee Jun. It’s a quarter pounder with cheese.

“It’s beautiful!” Hee Jun cries, clutching it to his chest. “I’ll name him Lunch.”

“Here comes the after birth.” The doctor announces.

“It’s french fries!” The nurse says, catching it.

Time 6:43AM  
Location: Military Base

Woo Hyuk runs from tree to tree, keeping cover. Whenever anyone would comes into view, he blasts them with his paint ball gun.

Snow starts to fall, making visibility a bit harder, but Woo Hyuk goes with it. If he couldn’t see clearly, he shot randomly, just in case.

Time: 7:01 AM  
Location: Military Base

Tony runs as if his ass was on fire, trying to avoid getting shot.

Time: 7:19AM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Kang Ta seats himself in front of his vanity and lines his make up in a single file line.

Looking at his age spots, he leans over and grabs for the foundation.

Time: 7:28AM  
Location: Military Base

Woo Hyuk runs some face less bed wetting solder down, holds his gun to the young man’s temple, and blows paint all over his head.

Time: 7:34AM  
Location: Military Base

Tony finds a cave, and throws himself inside.

Time: 7:37AM  
Location: Some women’s house

Jae Won sets his turkey down at his feet so he can knock on the door. Within moments, the door opens and he is face to face with a middle aged women.

“Who are you?” She asks, eyeing him.

“Hello Ma’am. Ebenezer Kim sent me to bring you this turkey.” Jae Won says, gesturing to the turkey at his feet.

The women has no reaction and Jae Won begins to wonder if he has the wrong house...suddenly, though, she begins screaming.

“Tell that son of a bitch that he owes me in child support for the last five fucking months! You think some God damned turkey is going to make up for this shit?!”

“Ma’am, I don’t really know him,” Jae Won says to calm her, but she isn’t listening.

“I’M NOT DONE TALKING YOU LITTLE LACKY FUCK!” She screams

Time: 7:53AM  
Location: That women’s house still

“And tell him if he want’s to see his fucking kids again, he can take me to court, because I’m not dropping them off at his skanky bitch ass girlfriend’s house anymore!” She screams, throwing anything handy at Jae Won.


	5. 8:00AM-9:00AM

Time: 8:18AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house  
Sub-Location: Hee Jun’s dream

There are calls from help, coming from the ocean.

Hee Jun pulls off his shirt, revealing bronzed skin with rippling and corded muscles under neath.

He dives into the water, pulling Kang Ta out by his hair.

“My hero!” Kang Ta cries, clinging to Hee Jun.

“I know, now let’s totally do it.” Hee Jun suggests.

Kang Ta rips his bikini top off before tearing Hee Jun’s speedo from him, exposing what could easily be mistaken for a third leg.

“Pwnage.” Hee Jun says seductively.

Time: 8:40AM  
Location: Police Station

Jae Won sits quietly while the officer types at his computer.

“Umm..” He finally speaks up. “Do you want to take my statement? That women hit me in the temple with a stapler. I’m still bleeding.”

“Hold on...” The officer muttered, not making eye contact.” He clicked a few more times then slammed his fist into the desk. “SHIT! I’m maxed out...You got a valid credit card on you?”

Time: 8:51AM  
Location: Military Base

The snow was beginning to come down so thickly it was hard to tell where Woo Hyuk was heading. He had to use his gun to shield his eyes.

Suddenly, a mis-step sent him onto his knees, falling into a hard body.

Below him, a fallen solider lay dead beneath him, covered in paint and frozen solid.

Woo Hyuk got up and kept walking.

Time: 8:55AM  
Location: Military Base

Tony holds his hands firmly against his chest.

“My nipples are going to break off...”

Time: 9:12AM  
Location: Police station

“Sir?” Jae Won asks as the officer gets up from his chair and stretches.

“What? Are you still here?” He asks, looking down at Jae Won.

“Can I file charges? I’m really hurt.” Jae Won pleads.

The officer sighs. “Can you give me a break? It’s Christmas for fuck’s sake. Go home to your family.”

Jae Won’s lip trembles and he bursts into tears, running from the police station.

Time: 9:29AM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Kang Ta sets down the foundation and moves on to his concealer.

Time: 9:38AM  
Location: Military Base

Woo Hyuk had had it with the blinding cold and the dead bodies, so when he stumbled into a cave, he was more then happy.

Tony jumped to his feet when he saw Woo Hyuk enter, throwing his arms into the air, then grabbed his left nipple.

“Ow! I chipped it!” He cried.

“What the hell?” Woo Hyuk gasped. “What are you doing here?”

“I snuck in so I could be with you on Christmas!” Tony said, rushing into Woo Hyuk’s un-opened arms. “I got here when you all started shooting each other so I decided to hide out, then it started snowing and I was all, screw that, right? So I’ve been in here!”

“Great.” Woo Hyuk mumbled. “Now what?”

“I’m not wearing any panties.”

“Then let’s get to it.”


	6. 10:00AM-11:00AM

Time: 10:08AM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house  
Sub-Location: Hee Jun’s dream

A wizard placed his hand firmly on Hee Jun shoulder.

“You are the chosen one...” He said, holding a magic wand out for Hee Jun to grasp. “You must save the world.”

“How do you know its me?” Hee Jun asked, astonished.

“You have the mark of the chosen one on you.” The wizard said, taking his hand from Hee Jun and pulling his shirt up, nipple high. “Look here.” He pointed to Hee Jun’s stretch marks.

It spelled “The One”

Time: 10:32AM  
Location: Military Base

Tony and Woo Hyuk sat pressed together, shivering.

They had tried having sex but were both too cold to take their clothes off.

“I could just rip the seam in the back of your pants.” Woo Hyuk suggested.

“No.” Tony pouted.

Time: 10:47AM  
Location: Jae Won’s home

When Jae Won’s mailbox was empty, his inbox was empty, and his voice mail was empty, he laid down on the couch to stare at the burnt remains of his tree and TV.

He clutched the phone to his chest, waiting for someone to love him enough to call.

Time: 11:01AM  
Location: Military Base

Shrill shrieking startled both Woo Hyuk and Tony into alertness.

“Wait here.” Woo Hyuk muttered, getting to his feet and edged toward the cave opening with his gun.

Before he could react, two men dashed into the cave, screaming.

“Go~d I cold!” Ubin cried.

“Lucky I found a cave!” Jong Min cheered.

“Get out of here before I fucking shoot you.” Woo Hyuk said, taking aim.

Ubin cried, clutching himself to Jong Min’s arm. “Don’t! This is cashmere!” He said, tugging at his uniform.

“Woo Hyuk, don’t,” Tony said, scrambling to his feet. “Ubin? Aren’t you out of the army?” He asked.

“I was suppose to be...” Ubin mumbled. “But they said I didn’t learn anything, so I had to stay.”

“We’re cold, and people have guns out there, it’s crazy.” Jong Min said. “Can we stay here, pretty please?”

“No.” Woo Hyuk said.

“Sure.” Tony said at the same time.

Woo Hyuk turned to glare fully at Tony. “I thought you came here to be with me for Christmas?”

“Don’t be an A-hole Woo Hyuk.” Tony warned. “Go on and everyone sit. Our cave is your cave.”

Time: 11:23AM  
Location: Beauty Salon

Kang Ta laid back on the table, unwrapping the towel from his hips, exposing himself.

“What would you like done?” Asked the young women, holding up the tub of wax.

“Make it into the shape of a heart, it’s a special day.” Kang Ta said, spreading his legs.

Time: 11:48AM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

No one was calling Jae Won, so he decided to take action.

He called Tony’s cell phone.

“Hello? Jae Won?” Tony answered.

“Tony! Merry Christmas!” Jae Won called.

“What’s that?” A high pitched voice called. “A cell phone?! I NEED TO CONTACT THE OUTSIDE WORLD!” The voice got louder, and it was obvious he had grabbed the phone. “It’s Ubin! Send help! I need moisturizer, STAT!”

“Hey, hey! Tell them to get me out of here!” Another voice said. “It’s Kim Jong Min! Get me out of here! I should be on TV!”

“Get the fuck off of me!” Jae Won could hear Woo Hyuk yell. “Stop! You are stepping on me!”

Sounds of gun fire sounded and the line went dead.


	7. 12:00PM-1:00PM

Time: 12:10PM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house

The phone suddenly ringing wakes Hee Jun from his marathon sleeping.

“Hel...lo?” He answers, still half asleep.

“Hello honey~” Kang Ta calls sweetly. “You awake?”

“Urg.” Hee Jun mutters.

“Okay, just checking. Remember we have a date tonight.”

Hee Jun’s eyes open.

“It’s Christmas.” Kang Ta clarifies.”

“Oh..” Hee Jun says, remembering.

“So I’ll see you, okay?”

“Uhh.”

“Love you, bye!”

“Ya...”

Hee Jun drops the phone, forgetting to end the call, and hauls himself to his feet. He grabs a pair of pants laying at his feet, and gets them to his hips before they get too tight.

Hee Jun lays down on his bed, trying to wiggle into them. It get’s an inch or two higher before Hee Jun falls asleep again.

Time: 12:20PM  
Location: Tanning Salon

Kang Ta drops his purse, leaving his cell phone on incase Hee Jun calls back, asking if they had indeed talked of if it had been a dream.

“Crank it up to high.” Kang Ta said, before climbing into the tanning bed, nude.

Time: 12:32PM  
Location: Military Base

Jong Min sits covered in paint from Woo Hyuk’s gun. The other three men sit, paintless, but grumpy none the less.

“Now were trapped.” Woo Hyuk snapped, pointing to the snow in the opening that boxed them inside the cave. “Cause’ of all your fucking screaming.”

“Or maybe all your gun shots.” Jong Min pointed out.

“Blaming each other will only waste time.” Tony said softly.

“We have nothing but time to kill, let them carry on.” Ubin sighed.

Time: 12:39PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won scrambles to his feet when he sees the carolers approach his house.

Before they can even get to his door, he opens it.

“Hi everyone!” He cheers. “Going to sing for me? That’s so awesome! Can I join you?”

The carolers looked between themselves apprehensively.

“I...guess...” One said, shrugging.

“I’ll get my coat!” Jae Won sings, rushing back inside.

Time: 1:04PM  
Location: Military Base

“I’m cold...” Ubin cries.

“Me too.” Tony agrees.

“We know.” Woo Hyuk snaps at them.

“We should all get naked.” Ubin suggests.

“Oh, I heard that on TV.” Jong Min speaks up. “If you are stuck in some place cold, to avoid hypothermia, you are suppose to lay under your clothes, naked with someone. The body heat keeps you alive.”

“Really?” Ubin asks. “I guess that works too.”

Time: 1:19PM  
Location: Outside a Starbusks

“Okay, so I’ll just go in and get us all hot chocolate.” Jae Won says, moving slowly toward the Starbucks.

“That’s right. We’ll be here, you go inside and get us all some hot chocolate. And we’ll be out here. With you in there.” Says one of the carolers.

“Okay, stay there!” Jae Won calls, hurrying inside.

“Oh we well!” They call.

As soon as Jae Won is in side, they run off.

Time: 1:34PM  
Location: Military Base

“Okay, am I the only one who’s going to commit to this?” Ubin asks, bare assed.

“No one else is getting naked.” Woo Hyuk snaps, then points to Tony firmly, without looking at him. “NO ONE.”

Time: 1:48PM  
Location: Who knows?

Jae Won slowly walks aimlessly, holding an arm’s full worth of hot chocolate.

“Guys?” He calls. “Where did you go?”

After a while he comes to a stop. “If you guys don’t come back, I’ll drink all your hot chocolate!........................No, I wouldn’t do that...” He sighs.

Time: 1:56PM  
Location: Military Base

Jong Min is now naked, snuggled up against Ubin.

“I’m slowly wearing you all down.” Ubin warns.


	8. 2:00PM-3:00PM

Time: 2:04PM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house

Hee Jun wakes with a start, looking at the clock.

“Fuck...” He grumbles, wiggling down into his pants.

He remembers Kang Ta called. He also remembers he never got him a Christmas gift.

Time: 2:13PM  
Location: Military Base

Tony sings, “Rudolph the red nose reindeer.”

Ubin, “Reindeer!”

Tony, “Had a very shiny nose.”

Ubin, “Like a light bulb!”

Tony, “And if you ever saw it.”

Ubin, “Saw it!”

Tony, “You would even say it glows.”

Ubin, “Like a flash light!”

“STOP SINGING!” Woo Hyuk screams.

Time: 2:37AM  
Location: Mc Donald’s drive through

“What do you mean Breakfast isn’t being served anymore?!” Hee Jun yells into the voice box. “Do you know who I am?!”

“Sir I-Oh my God! I do know you!” The pre-pubescent voice squeaked. “You are Shin Dong Hee from Super Junior!”

“What?!” Hee Jun thundered.

“Oh my God!!! Come right up, we’ll get you whatever you like! Can you get be Choi Shi Won’s autograph?!”

“....That depends...Can you get me hash browns?”

Time: 2:45PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won sits on his porch, waiting for the carolers to return.

The mail man pulls up in front and climbs from his car. Jae Won is on him before his foot hits the ground.

“Hi! Merry Christmas!”

“Uh, hi.” The mail man mutters, then pushes a few packages into his arms. “Here, fan mail.”

“FAN MAIL?!” Jae Won cries with joy.

The mail man makes his getaway while Jae Won is distracted by his gifts.

Before Jae Won could open them though, he sees the address on all the boxes.

“These are for Kim Jae Won...not me..” He cries, but the mail man is long gone.

Time: 2:55PM  
Location: Coex Mall

Hee Jun started talking into his cell phone as soon as Hye Sung picks up. “I need a Christmas gift for Kang Ta. You two bitches seem to like the same stuff, tell me what to get.”

“Huh?” Hye Sung asks.

“I’m at the mall, in the food court, this is as far as I've ever been.”

“Oh, it’s you...” Hye Sung mumbles. “Listen fat ass, I don’t have time for this shit.” And he hangs up.

“Little bitch...” Hee Jun curses, pocketing his fell phone.

Time: 3:30PM  
Location: Tanning Salon

Kang Ta turns over in the tanning bed.

Time: 3:49PM  
Location: Military Base

“What’s your Christmas wish?” Tony asks the group.

“To not be stuck in a cave with those morons.” Woo Hyuk mutters.

“To be home...” Jong Min sighs. “On TV, getting rich...”

Ubin meets Tony’s gaze, then drops his eyes to the non-existat space between his and Jong Min’s naked bodies.

“My Christmas wish came true.”


	9. 4:00PM-5:00PM

Time: 4:15PM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Kang Ta sprays pine sent throughout his house, making his plastic tree a little more realistic for Christmas.

He was at it for one minute and forty eight seconds before he decided to see if he could get high off snorting the fumes.

Time: 4:28PM  
Location: Military Base

Woo Hyuk pounds into the snow with the butt of his gun.

“You all could help me dig you know.” He growls.

“With what?” Tony asks, looking around for something to help him dig with.

“Shoes, something.”

“Then my shoes would get wet!” Ubin protests.

Woo Hyuk whips around so quickly to face him that Jong Min falls back in shock.

“You aren’t wearing them!” Woo Hyuk yells at Ubin. “You’ve been nude for hours!”

“I eventually have to get dressed you know?” Ubin snaps. “They said if I report to duty naked one more time or caught giving a fellatio I get another year.”

Time: 4:41PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won opens another one of Kim Jae Won’s gift, reads the letter, and pulls out a fresh sheet of paper.

Dear fan,

Thank you for the touching letter and home made doll, I appreciate your support.

I am too busy to care about you like I should though. I suggest looking toward Lee Jae Won from now on as someone to love. He has many good qualities that other people over look.

Also, he is sexy.

Thanks again,  
Kim Jae Won

Jae Won stuffs the letter and moves on to the next gift.

Time: 5:04PM  
Location: Coex Mall

Hee Jun stands with three representatives from different departments before him.

Jewelry, with a ring.

House wears, a toaster.

Toys, a Guitar Hero.

“One of you is about to make a sale here for my boyfriends Christmas gift.” Hee Jun said, pumping them up. “You each get a few seconds to make your sale, Jewelry, you are up first.”

The Jewelry women steps forward, displaying her goods. “Rings are great gifts. It’s romantic and meaningful. A classic gift.”

“You can’t eat it.” Says the house wears man, knowing his target customer when he sees one. “You know how many bagels you can put in this thing?” He asks, shaking the toaster.

Hee Jun’s eye brows raise and the toy department guy goes into the fray.

“Get Guitar Hero, it’ll make you feel like a rock star.”

“I’ve always wanted to be a rock star...” Hee Jun admits.

“Well, this is the only way you’ll ever be one.”

“Sold.”

Time: 5:15PM  
Location: Military Base

“I GOT IT!” Woo Hyuk cheered as a bit of snow fell away and a hole to the outside world appeared.

He dug at it until it was big enough for someone to squeeze through.

“Okay, it’ll be better if someone on the outside helps dig, so who wants to go through?” Woo Hyuk asks.

“I’ll go.” Jong Min volunteered. “Let me get my clothes on.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t put your clothes on yet.” Tony suggested. “Your body heat will melt the snow a little and it’ll lubricate your body, making it easier for you to penetrate the snow. Then you can just.” He punched his open palm aside with a fist. “Shoot right through the hole.”

Ubin’s mouth fell open.

Woo Hyuk covered Tony’s mouth quickly. “Just go.” He told Jong Min. “I don’t care how you do it, but just go.”

Time: 5:29PM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Kang Ta wakes on the kitchen floor, and it takes him almost thirty seconds to remember why he blacked out.

He grabs the pine spray that lays beside him and get’s back to work.

Time: 5:42PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won slams a fresh sheet of paper on the table in front of Kim Jae Won’s gifts and begins writing in a fury.

Dear fan,

I don’t need your crappy crafts. Stop sending me things. I am a rapist. I masturbate in my car while watching people enter the bank. I beat my mother.

You should like Lee Jae Won, he does none of that. He never even masturbates at home, he even loses consciousness sometimes when urinating.

That’s your kind of guy.

Fuck you,  
Kim Jae Won

Time: 5:54PM  
Location: Running away from the Military Base

“We’re free!” Ubin cries, trotting between Jong Min and Woo Hyuk.

“Where are we going?” Tony asks, gulping for air to keep up with the others.

“Don’t care.” Woo Hyuk says. “I’m just trying to get away from Ubin.”

Just then, gun shots make them all skid to a halt.

“More paint guns.” Jong Min cried.

“No...” Woo Hyuk said slowly, pointing to a sign that read ‘Welcome To North Korea’


	10. 6:00PM-7:00PM

Time: 6:13PM  
Location: North Korea

“Please, let us go!” Ubin cried as the North Koreans dragged him, Tony, Woo Hyuk, and Jong Min toward their truck. “I don’t want to be a slave! I’m too pampered to work in rice fields, pick cotton, build rain roads.”

“I think they’ll probably just kill us.” Jong Min said, smiling sadly.

“Don’t, pleas!” Ubin said, then turned to face his captor directly. “Look, I will do anything to go home. ANYTHING. It doesn’t even have to be gay. I can just...” He held his arms in front of him, clenching them on either side of his chest to give an illusion of breasts. “And I’ll just tuck myself...” He reached down into his pants but was thrown into the truck with the others.

“Merry Christmas.” Tony said nervously to Woo Hyuk who was crushed beneath the weight of the three other men.

Time: 6:26PM  
Location: Hee Jun’s house

Hee Jun stands in his underwear in front of the TV, playing his new Guitar Hero.

The phone rings and Hee Jun glanced back at it before turning back to the TV.

“Just a second.” He calls to it. “I’m almost done...” He says as he pounds the buttons of the guitar controller.

The answering machine turns on.

“Hee Jun, it’s me.” Kang Ta says. “I’m waiting for you...Are you asleep?”

Hee Jun glances back at the voice.

“Are you there? Are you listening to me? Don’t be late, or I’ll start without you.” He pauses. “I think I’ll start without you anyway, it’s been a long day.”

He hangs up and Hee Jun throws the guitar from him, rushing for the door.

Time: 6:38PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won sits in the snow of his front yard, working on his snow man’s body.

“Your hips are too narrow.” He says, patting the snow man’s hips, then touches his own. “And your head...” He pats the snow man’s head. “Is too big because you were malnourished when you were in puberty.” He goes to touch his own head but stops himself. “But,” He says firmly. “You have the biggest penis of all the other snow man. Even bigger then that whore snow man, not that he would ever know...Kang Ta snow man propositioned everyone but YOU.”

Time: 6:51PM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Hee Jun bursts through the door, breathless.

“You aren’t done, are you?” He asks.

Kang Ta smiles and greets Hee Jun at the door, kissing him firmly. “I’m never done. What’s been keeping you?”

“Uhhh..” Hee Jun mumbled. “Nothing. Look, I brought you gifts.”

He let himself in and dropped his shopping bag on the kitchen table.

Kang Ta sifted through it.

“Guitar Hero?” He asks.

“I broke it in for you.”

“A toaster oven?”

“I know how much you like warm stuff.”

“A ring?”

“Romantic as fuck, huh?” Hee Jun smiles proudly.

Kang Ta gets a gleam in his eye. “Want to see what I got you?”

Hee Jun nods empathically.

Kang Ta quickly strips, exposes his crispy orange skin.

Hee Jun opens his mouth to speak but Kang Ta cuts him off. “Wait wait, that’s not all.” He turned around and showed him a small area of skin that wasn’t tan.

On his butt was the words ‘Merry Christmas Hee Jun’

“I did it with stickers, so once the tan was over the letters would be there.” Kang Ta explained.

Hee Jun was on him in a second.

Time: 7:19PM  
Location: Kim Jong Il’s house

After being left in the truck, the four men finally got piled out and taken into lounge in what they found was Kim Jong Il’s home.

Before they had time to let it sink in, Kim Jong Il burst into the room.

“My new favorite prisoners of war!” He cheered. “I’m such a fan! Hurry, get me something for them to sign.” He snapped his fingers and some of the guards took off.

“You’re a fan of us?” Tony asked slowly.

“Oh ya!” He turned to Kim Jong Min. “I loved Love Letter. I tried doing a show like that here, but it didn’t work out as well. Seeing as we done allow singing, and dancing, and courting, and women speaking, you know, the norm. Oh and you guys!” He said to Woo Hyuk and Tony. “I love H.O.T!”

“And?” Ubin prompted.

“And I don’t know who the trannie is.” Jong Il said without looking at Ubin.

“I am NOT a trannie!” Ubin scoffed. “I’m just super gay.”

“So, can we go?” Woo Hyuk asked. “After we sign some autographs?”

“No way. You all better get comfortable because you are staying here for a long while.”

“What about me?” Ubin asked. “You don’t even know who I am, can I go?”

“No, you shall be my wife.”

“Poor Ubin...” Tony whispers to Woo Hyuk.

“I wouldn’t worry about him, he’s smiling.”

Time: 7:38PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won lays beside his pathetic lop sided snow man.

“Don’t worry, just because no one loves you snow man. You have lots of good qualities. You...uhh...You can...” He sighs, unable to encourage his snow man.

The head of the snow man falls off onto Jae Won, making him choke on snow.


	11. 8:00PM-9:00PM

Time: 8:12PM  
Location: Kim Jong Il’s house

“We wish you a merry Christmas~” Kim Jong Il, Ubin, and Jong Min sang.

“What do we do?” Woo Hyuk whispered to Tony.

“Make the best of our lives here?” Tony suggested.

“I am not going to be this crazy fuck’s pet Tony. We have a chance here. Let’s kill him.”

Tony’s eyes grew round. “How are we going to do that?”

Woo Hyuk eyed the singing dictator. “I’m not sure yet...we have to look for an opertunity.

Time: 8:24PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won sits quietly in his living room. All the lights are shut off.

Time: 8:38PM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Kang Ta licked Hee Jun’s face as they lay in bed together.

“I don’t think all this is sweat.” Kang Ta pointed out, tasting him. “I think your nose is running, you need a tissue?”

“Ya. I think some of the Astroglide got up my nose.”

Just then the door bell rang. Kang Ta got up to answer it without putting any clothes on, Hee Jun followed, equally naked.

Hye Sung was on the other side of the door.

“I’m bored, let’s fuck.” He said.

Kang Ta flushed. “W-what? You know I’m with Hee Jun...Why would I have sex with you?”

“What are you talking about?” Hye Sung asked. “We have sex all the-“

Kang Ta slammed the door in his face. “He’s insane...”

Hee Jun stares at him.

“Come on, you know how he is...Don’t be mad...” Kang Ta pleaded. “I’ll let you bring any food to bed if we can forget this.”

“Deal.”

Time: 8:51PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won still sits in dark silence.

Time: 9:04PM  
Location: Kim Jong Il’s house

Kim Jong Il, Ubin, Jong Min, Woo Hyuk and Tony sit around the kitchen table making gingerbread men.

Woo Hyuk winked at Tony then turned to Kim Jong Il. “Can I have a knife to frost my cookie?” He asked.

“Yes!” Jong Il passed him a butter knife that Woo Hyuk immediately put to his throat.

“Real fucking smart.” Woo Hyuk mumbled.

“Don’t kill me!” Jong Il demanded as if he had any control over Woo Hyuk.

“Ya, he’s my husband!” Ubin snapped.

“I just had a thought myself.” Tony said, raising his hand. “How do you suppose we escape once you kill him? There are guards everywhere.”

“Stop second guessing me in front of my victim.” Woo Hyuk warned. “I’ll figure it out later.”

“If you kill me, you have to go back to South Korea and be in the army again. That’s got to suck right?” Jong Il ventured. “At least stay here a little bit...take a vacation...”

“I want a vacation.” Jong Min agreed.

“No fucking way.” Woo Hyuk snapped.

“Look, it’s Christmas!” Jong Il pleaded. “Don’t kill me! Look...let me live and I’ll give you each a Christmas gift. Anything at all, I swear.”

Ubin reached out and grabbed the knife from Woo Hyuk. “Deal!”

“Then its settled.” Jong Il clapped his hands. “Let’s finish the gingerbread men and then we’ll start the gift giving.”

Woo Hyuk glared at Tony who just smiled lovingly at him.

Time: 9:32PM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Hee Jun was up on a ladder, still in the nude, hanging the sex sling.

“This really brings back memories.” Kang Ta said from below.

“I don’t know what that specifically refers to,” Hee Jun said, “but that’s hot.”

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

Vanness Wu was on the other side.

“Hey Kang Ta, I thought since I was in town, I could put it in you. Oh, you have company?” He asked, waving to Hee Jun.

Kang Ta slammed the door.

Hee Jun was glaring at him when he turned around. “You better make this up to me.” He snapped his fingers.

Time: 9:39PM  
Location: Kim Jong Il’s house

They sat their cookies up against the gingerbread house.

“How cute!” Ubin cheered.

“Okay, who wants to go first?” Jong Il asked.

Jong Min raised his hand. “I want to be on TV, again.”

Jong Il smiled. “That’s easy. I control TV here, I can put you on right now. Just don’t tell anyone their allowed humanity and you can do whatever you want.”

“My own show in North Korea!” Jong Min cheered. “Take that Kang Ho Dong!”

Time: 9:43PM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Hee Jun was hanging by his feet when the door bell rang. Kang Ta detached himself to answer it. From where Hee Jun hung he could see Andre Kim at the door.

“Hello there Kang Ta, shall we?” He asked.

“For fuck’s sake!” Hee Jun roared as Kang Ta slammed the door.

Time: 9:58PM  
Location: Jae Won’s house

Jae Won fills his bathroom sink with warm water and lays his arms inside until they are warm. Once he’s satisfied, he pulls them out and takes a knife to the insides of his arms, slashing his wrists.


	12. 10:00PM-11:00PM

Time: 10:13  
Location: Kim Jong Il’s house

“Woo Hyuk?” Jong Il asked. “What do you want for Christmas?”

“To get the hell out of here.” Woo Hyuk mumbled.

“I promise you can leave, as long as all your friends.” Jong Il assured. “And here...” He pulled out his wallet. “I’ll give you and IOU A Escape From North Korea pass. I only have a few left.”

“Jong Min’s on TV!” Ubin said, pointing to the TV.

Jong Min smiled into the camera. “You all don’t know me...For all you know I’m as classy as a queen and as sexy as a different type of queen.” He said to North Korea.

“Wish you hadn’t let him do this yet?” Woo Hyuk asked.

“No, sweeps is over, I don’t care.” Jong Il said.

Time: 10:23PM  
Location: Hospital

Jae Won sat on a hospital bed, laying his bandaged hands in his lap.

All around him nurses and doctors rushed around, ignoring him.

A heavy sigh came from the other side of his curtain. It was very familiar...

Jae Won leaned off his bed and pulled the curtain back, revealing Andy in the bed beside his.

“Andy!”

“Jae Won!”

“What are you here for?”

“I cut my wrists.” Jae Won said, holding his arm up.

“Oh my God, no way! Me too!” Andy said, holding his arm up as well.

Time: 10:39PM  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

Hee Jun was screaming. “I could have any guy I wanted! Don’t look at me like that! I could! Given enough alcohol, I could get ANYONE! But nooooo, I deal with this shit!” He motioned toward Kang Ta. “It’s no wonder my nuts always itch! You know how many pairs of sweat pants I have with the crotch totally worn away?! You are reimbursing me for those!”

Time: 11:11PM  
Location: Kim Jong Il’s house

“Ubin’s turn.” Jong Il said.

“I want lot’s of sexy guys!” Ubin answered quickly.

Jong Il nodded. “I’ll line up the war prisoners for you. Pick who you want, we’ll just kill the others.”

“Yay!” Ubin cheered.

“Come on,” Jong Il motioned for them to follow him. “Don’t mind the smell, its just urine, feces, tears, fear, disinfectant, and battery acid.”

Time: 11:21PM  
Location: Hospital

“And my family forgot to buy me any Christmas gifts.” Andy said, replaying his day for Jae Won.

“No one even wished me a Merry Christmas!” Jae Won countered.

“We so did the right thing. Everyone is going to be hella sorry.” Andy told him.

“Ya...Then they’ll treat us better.”

“Totally.”

“Uber totally.”

“Ya.”

Time: 11:27PM  
Location: Kang Ta’s home

“I put up with a lot from you Kang Ta!” Hee Jun yelled. “Your make up gives me a rash, an itchy one...And that’s not just the outside skin either. It’s in my mouth, my ass, my ears, EVERYWHERE! Do I complain? No...I don’t. You ungrateful little brat...slut...fucking...whore!”

Time: 11:36PM  
Location: Kim Jong Il’s house

“When did Kim Jong Kook become a prisoner of war?” Tony asked as he, Woo Hyuk and Jong Il headed back into the house.

“I don’t really remember.” Jong Il admitted. “But isn’t it funny, no one noticed. Anway, you are last Tony. What do you want for Christmas?”

Tony looked into Woo Hyuk’s eyes and smiled intimately at him. “I just want to spend some romantic time with the man I love.”

Jong Il smiled sweetly. “That’s so sweet...And it’s something I can arrange.”

Time: 11:49  
Location: Kang Ta’s house

“With all the diseases you must have,” Hee Jun ranted. “You must have some mutant STDs in your body. I bet you transmit HIV when you breath on people!”

“Are you done?” Kang Ta asked.

Hee Jun huffed, out of air. “Ya.”

“Can we start fucking again?”

Hee Jun shrugged. “Sure.”

Time: 11:55PM  
Location: Hospital

“It’s just you and me from now on Jae Won.” Andy said. “We can’t depend on anyone, so we’ll be BFFs and never let the other one down! Okay?”

“Okay! Pinkie promise!” Jae Won said, holding his extended small finger to Andy, who clasped it with his.

“Hey, Andy, get your ass in the car. I’m here to take you home, but hurry, I got asses to tap.” Eric said, coming out of no where.

“Okay~!” Andy said, hopping out of the hospital bed.

“Andy!” Jae Won called, then held his pinkie finger up. “You promised!”

“That’s when I thought I didn’t have a ride!” Andy said, taking off with Eric.

Time: 11:59PM  
Location: Kim Jong Il’s house

Tony and Woo Hyuk lay in bed, on either side of Jong Il.

“This isn’t what I had in mind.” Tony admitted.

“Give an old man a break.” Jong Il said. “So, who wants first dibs?”

“Merry Christmas.” Woo Hyuk said dryly to Tony.


End file.
